2018 Lessons learned and new committments
So...it has been a while since I last blogged and I have realized that this has to be a must as I go forward. So much has happened since the last time I posted but I really want to focus more on the key thing I learned about myself this year and my plan going forward. Realizing and examining my issues and dealing with them has been the most important lesson that I have learned this year. Around this time last year I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was on one of my "Bucket List" trips, NYE in NYC, that I awarded myself with for loosing 125lbs. I went into this trip with a pretty healthy attitude towards eating. I was on vacation, I was not going to restrict myself but I was going to walk EVERYWHERE. I knew when I returned home that I was going to get right back to eating healthy and working out so that I could lose the remaining 104lbs that stood between me and my final goal. I was still a newbie gastric bypass patient since it had only been 9 months since surgery but I felt that I had it all under control. Looking back now I realize I was so naive and unprepared. I had read my guidebook and had all the tools necessary but I had believed that my cravings were gone forever and boy was I wrong.
December 2017 I weighed myself and I was 279. Not my lowest weight but I gave myself some leeway for the holidays. When I returned from my trip in early Jan I actually weighed a pound less. Within the next 3 months I had gotten down to 253 and I was proud of myself but I also hit an emotional wall. I felt fear, euphoria and so much anxiety about that weight. While I was happy on the outside, I was terrified on the inside. The next 4 months I started eating bad again and regained 18 lbs. I was getting ready for Rugged Maniac in May so I started training and got back down to 260. I was in great condition for Rugged Maniac and I had the best time participating this year. As soon as it was over though, I went right back to feeling anxiety about my weight again and I gained those 10lbs back. For my birthday this year I really wanted to celebrate so I bought a dress that was smaller than any dress I had purchased for myself and I dropped those same 10lbs, yet again, to make sure I could wear it for my birthday. It fit like a dream. But as soon as my birthday was over, the anxiety of weighing 250 came back and I started eating badly again and this time I ate off pan for two months before giving myself a hard mental slap. I made myself get on the scale and realized that not only had I gained those 10lbs back I added an additional 20lbs to keep it company. Now I was back to the 280's and that was completely unacceptable. I realized that I had stopped keeping a journal of my food months ago, I was not taking my vitamins and medication like I should and I was not getting enough water in. I really needed to get a handle on why I had gotten so far off track and why I let it go on so long. I knew that the first thing I needed to do was to figure out why getting to 250 freaked me out so much. Immediately. I needed to get over this issue because it was causing me to not reach my goal, which I knew was possible because I know I have all the tools to achieve it.
So....I went back and read through every post I have made on all the weight loss boards I had been a part of since the early 2000's. There have been a lot but I have always been open when starting a new weight loss plan and I honest about my journey. I happened on a old introductory post that really opened my eyes. This post was from 2005 and was really the start of my weight loss journey. I shared how I remember wanting to be 250 because it was the time that I realized that I needed to lose some weight. I shared how I came to be in the position I was in due to my weight. Between the ages of 21 - 25 I went from 250 to 330. I did not weigh myself then but I remember being 250 when I was 21 because I remember thinking at the time that I would be happy if I could just lose 50 pounds. I recall daydreaming about how great my life would be if I was only 200lbs. (I was definitely dreamer when I was younger). I never changed my eating nor started a new workout routine. Somehow because I wanted it I assumed the weight would come off. I was not honest, at all, with myself in regards to why I gained weight, how I needed to change to lose weight and I was not ready to accept responsibility of my own actions and their consequences. When I was 25, I started working with a company that did a lot of shipping and they had a bulk scale in the back. One day, I decided to check my weight and I had naively assumed, basically lied to myself, that I had problem gained 10lbs since I had to go a few sizes up in pants ( honestly... the delusion was real). When I stepped on the scale and saw 353, I almost burst into tears. Luckily I was able to pull myself together since I was at work and I do not cry in public. But I was stunned....I went from needing to lose 50lbs to now needing to lose 153lbs. Honestly, it was in the back of my mind that I initially wanted to be 150 but I could settle for 200. Now...to get to 150 I would need to lose 203lbs which was insurmountable to me. I did not believe I could ever lose that amount of weight. I did not function well for the rest of that week as those numbers twirled around my head. I did not realize it then but 250lbs became my dream weight because of how close it was to the 100's. I cannot tell you how many time I said to myself, "If only I was 250 " since that moment I stood on the scale. This was really eye-opening for me. I realized that I had put that weight on a ideological pedestal. In my head, life would be perfect if I get down to 250lbs. This was the thought of an naive 24 year old who had not really experienced single life due to a family unit that made me the second parent. I had too many responsibilities to go out dancing and drinking the night away with friends but I had envisioned and massive night life as soon as I hit that magical number. This kept me optimistic and positive when my personal life was so depressing. It is literally what kept me going. Now almost 20 years later, while I had actual life experience and no longer daydreamed, this thought was still at the back of my mind. Also there was a fear that has been there all along that I was never aware of because I had never been close to that weight until this year: what if I get there and I am not happy. Logically we all know that life is not 100% sunshine and roses but I have always wanted to be content in my body and space, which I have never had. What if I hit that magical number and I am not content? What then? What if I hit my goal weight and I am still unhappy with my body and size? I have made all these changes and drastically altered my insides...what if it was all for nothing? How am I supposed to deal with that? I realized THIS is what is blocking me mentally. Great. Now what?
Over the last month, I realized that the extra skin I have from the weight loss has been a bigger worry that what I thought and it was feeding into the fear of me never being happy with my body. While logically I knew there would be extra skin, hell I even told the psychologist that I did not care if I ended up looking like a California raisin as long as I lost the weight, the reality of seeing it everyday is something else. I had to really sit myself down and figure out what I wanted to look like at the end and if it was based in reality or fantasy. The reality is that I want to one day be able to wear shorts and a tank without looking like I am melting. That is possible only with additional cosmetic surgery after I have done the work. Am I emotionally ready for that? No...not right now. But if I take this year really working on it and getting therapy. Possibly next year...maybe the year after that. I had to make out a realistic plan of what I want the end result and figure out a realistic timetable that included living my life. I still have to work, I want to still travel and spend time with my family and friends. I am lucky in the sense that I have nothing but supportive friends and family in my inner circle. I have no one that I feel the need to impress. While I would like to be able to look cute in shorts and a tank top before I am 50, I also know that there is no time limit on finding my best self. I had to really look at my body and love who I was, who I am now and who I want to be. I had to realize that who I am is bad ass..wrinkly skin or not and to not lose sight of that.
I have recommitted to reaching my goal weight, which I will reach by this time in 2019 as long as I stay on track. Making a plan for the cosmetic surgery to fix my problem areas is also key. I am working on a tentative plan that I will go over with my doctor at my 2 year appointment in March to tweak and make any changes if necessary. I have realized that for me to be successful at this means I need to be absolutely honest with myself about my fears. I can't fight them if I am hiding from them. There is nothing scarier than facing your inner demons but there is nothing more freeing than confronting them and giving them the finger.
December 2017 I weighed myself and I was 279. Not my lowest weight but I gave myself some leeway for the holidays. When I returned from my trip in early Jan I actually weighed a pound less. Within the next 3 months I had gotten down to 253 and I was proud of myself but I also hit an emotional wall. I felt fear, euphoria and so much anxiety about that weight. While I was happy on the outside, I was terrified on the inside. The next 4 months I started eating bad again and regained 18 lbs. I was getting ready for Rugged Maniac in May so I started training and got back down to 260. I was in great condition for Rugged Maniac and I had the best time participating this year. As soon as it was over though, I went right back to feeling anxiety about my weight again and I gained those 10lbs back. For my birthday this year I really wanted to celebrate so I bought a dress that was smaller than any dress I had purchased for myself and I dropped those same 10lbs, yet again, to make sure I could wear it for my birthday. It fit like a dream. But as soon as my birthday was over, the anxiety of weighing 250 came back and I started eating badly again and this time I ate off pan for two months before giving myself a hard mental slap. I made myself get on the scale and realized that not only had I gained those 10lbs back I added an additional 20lbs to keep it company. Now I was back to the 280's and that was completely unacceptable. I realized that I had stopped keeping a journal of my food months ago, I was not taking my vitamins and medication like I should and I was not getting enough water in. I really needed to get a handle on why I had gotten so far off track and why I let it go on so long. I knew that the first thing I needed to do was to figure out why getting to 250 freaked me out so much. Immediately. I needed to get over this issue because it was causing me to not reach my goal, which I knew was possible because I know I have all the tools to achieve it.
So....I went back and read through every post I have made on all the weight loss boards I had been a part of since the early 2000's. There have been a lot but I have always been open when starting a new weight loss plan and I honest about my journey. I happened on a old introductory post that really opened my eyes. This post was from 2005 and was really the start of my weight loss journey. I shared how I remember wanting to be 250 because it was the time that I realized that I needed to lose some weight. I shared how I came to be in the position I was in due to my weight. Between the ages of 21 - 25 I went from 250 to 330. I did not weigh myself then but I remember being 250 when I was 21 because I remember thinking at the time that I would be happy if I could just lose 50 pounds. I recall daydreaming about how great my life would be if I was only 200lbs. (I was definitely dreamer when I was younger). I never changed my eating nor started a new workout routine. Somehow because I wanted it I assumed the weight would come off. I was not honest, at all, with myself in regards to why I gained weight, how I needed to change to lose weight and I was not ready to accept responsibility of my own actions and their consequences. When I was 25, I started working with a company that did a lot of shipping and they had a bulk scale in the back. One day, I decided to check my weight and I had naively assumed, basically lied to myself, that I had problem gained 10lbs since I had to go a few sizes up in pants ( honestly... the delusion was real). When I stepped on the scale and saw 353, I almost burst into tears. Luckily I was able to pull myself together since I was at work and I do not cry in public. But I was stunned....I went from needing to lose 50lbs to now needing to lose 153lbs. Honestly, it was in the back of my mind that I initially wanted to be 150 but I could settle for 200. Now...to get to 150 I would need to lose 203lbs which was insurmountable to me. I did not believe I could ever lose that amount of weight. I did not function well for the rest of that week as those numbers twirled around my head. I did not realize it then but 250lbs became my dream weight because of how close it was to the 100's. I cannot tell you how many time I said to myself, "If only I was 250 " since that moment I stood on the scale. This was really eye-opening for me. I realized that I had put that weight on a ideological pedestal. In my head, life would be perfect if I get down to 250lbs. This was the thought of an naive 24 year old who had not really experienced single life due to a family unit that made me the second parent. I had too many responsibilities to go out dancing and drinking the night away with friends but I had envisioned and massive night life as soon as I hit that magical number. This kept me optimistic and positive when my personal life was so depressing. It is literally what kept me going. Now almost 20 years later, while I had actual life experience and no longer daydreamed, this thought was still at the back of my mind. Also there was a fear that has been there all along that I was never aware of because I had never been close to that weight until this year: what if I get there and I am not happy. Logically we all know that life is not 100% sunshine and roses but I have always wanted to be content in my body and space, which I have never had. What if I hit that magical number and I am not content? What then? What if I hit my goal weight and I am still unhappy with my body and size? I have made all these changes and drastically altered my insides...what if it was all for nothing? How am I supposed to deal with that? I realized THIS is what is blocking me mentally. Great. Now what?
Over the last month, I realized that the extra skin I have from the weight loss has been a bigger worry that what I thought and it was feeding into the fear of me never being happy with my body. While logically I knew there would be extra skin, hell I even told the psychologist that I did not care if I ended up looking like a California raisin as long as I lost the weight, the reality of seeing it everyday is something else. I had to really sit myself down and figure out what I wanted to look like at the end and if it was based in reality or fantasy. The reality is that I want to one day be able to wear shorts and a tank without looking like I am melting. That is possible only with additional cosmetic surgery after I have done the work. Am I emotionally ready for that? No...not right now. But if I take this year really working on it and getting therapy. Possibly next year...maybe the year after that. I had to make out a realistic plan of what I want the end result and figure out a realistic timetable that included living my life. I still have to work, I want to still travel and spend time with my family and friends. I am lucky in the sense that I have nothing but supportive friends and family in my inner circle. I have no one that I feel the need to impress. While I would like to be able to look cute in shorts and a tank top before I am 50, I also know that there is no time limit on finding my best self. I had to really look at my body and love who I was, who I am now and who I want to be. I had to realize that who I am is bad ass..wrinkly skin or not and to not lose sight of that.
I have recommitted to reaching my goal weight, which I will reach by this time in 2019 as long as I stay on track. Making a plan for the cosmetic surgery to fix my problem areas is also key. I am working on a tentative plan that I will go over with my doctor at my 2 year appointment in March to tweak and make any changes if necessary. I have realized that for me to be successful at this means I need to be absolutely honest with myself about my fears. I can't fight them if I am hiding from them. There is nothing scarier than facing your inner demons but there is nothing more freeing than confronting them and giving them the finger.
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